Tour’s Books Blog

July 21, 2015

Adventures of ReacherFan Groundhog – The Clan Reunion Finale

Filed under: Adventures of Reacherfan Groundhog — toursbooks @ 9:47 pm
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RF tried to open one eye, but the effort was just too much.  Someone placed an ice pack on her throbbing head.  Why can’t she just be left to die in peace?  “Oh stop whimpering, you big sissy Yankee.  It’s just a little hangover.  Shouldn’ta had so much of that cake with Cousin Hardwick’s grain alcohol.  That stuff would knock out a mule.”

“I’m in Hell.”

“Don’t be silly.  You’re at the clan reunion and everyone is waiting on you.  Good thing your cousin Tour can cook as good as you or Billy Bob wouldda been in here with a bucket of ice water to wake you up yesterday.”

“Tour’s cooking?  Why?”

“Was cooking.  Said she wasn’t eating anything made by …… and I’m quoting here ……. ” … a bunch of inbred hillbillies that don’t know the meaning of soap and water.”  Kind of got Maisie Lee riled up when Buster tasted her peach pecan sour cream pancakes and said they were the best things he ever ate.  Then he proposed to her.”

RF’s eyes popped open making her wince at the light.  “He didn’t?”

“Tour told him to back off, but you know Buster.  Always thought he was a catch.  Then he pinched her.”

“Oh no …………..”

Lula Mae chuckled.  “Well I was thinking I needed to rescue her when she grabbed that skillet in both paws and swung at Buster like she was aiming for the bleachers.  He went sailing a good 20 feet before hitting a big old tree.  She just stood back and yelled, ‘Any of the rest of you idiots want a piece of this?’  And they backed right off.  Aunt Ethyl was right annoyed at having to nurse him from the concussion, so she and that busybody Esme Willet went to the Matriarch and complained.”

RF just buried her face in her pillow and groaned.

“Now you know the Matriarch don’t much like Yankees and she comes over and tells Tour they put up with your ornery butt cause your kin, but they ain’t putting up with her.  That’s when this giant white furball walked in and picked her right up off the ground and says to your cousin, “General Tour, is this thing bothering you?  Should I get rid of it?”  Lula Mae starts laughing so hard, she can barely talk.  “So the Matriarch says, “‘General Tour?  You mean General Tourmaline Groundhog?’ and the big thing shakes her like little bug.  “You be respectful to General Tour, or you answer to me!”  That was when the tiny little rainbow hair troll showed up, naked as babe and riding a skunk called Pepe.  Seems she knew Tour too and offered to have the skunks guard her, then invited her to this party over near Memphis they was having to commemorate their victory over Erma the Evil U-Haul Clerk and the Mutant Lizards.  Said the Gnomes were coming and everything.  Tour said she’d see about it and go with Gilbert the Yeti.  So Gil tossed the Matriarch into a pile of leaves and got this big ol’ keg of his own home brew and invites the whole clan to try it in celebration.

“Well, it kind of sounded like a dare, so naturally everyone did.  She stopped Cleatus and me from trying any, though Cleatus was a mite put out.  He sipped a bit and gave her a look and went and rescued Johann and Greta, but let Petunia, Inger and Ingrid drink away.  She just waited.  Then Trey and Rupert showed up and she gave all of us these little cameras and had us take pictures.  I think Rupert did a bit of ……. posing of the subjects, said it was ‘artistic license’.  There’s a video of those 3 idiot ‘ all natural food’ females doing a belly dance while eating barbecue chicken wings.”

RF stared wide-eyed at Lula Mae.  Damn.  Tour was even sneakier than she was, and RF was about as sneaky as they came.  “Oh my …………… she is BRILLIANT!”

“Damn right she is.  You OWN the Matriarch and most of this clan.  She downloaded everything to a website and said you’d know where to find it or Aunt Meg would come back and haunt you.  She left a few shots with the Matriarch, who is steaming mad but can’t do a damn thing.  So now it’s up to you who replaces her and she is one unhappy old bat at not holding that over your head.  Tour and the Yeti left for Memphis about an hour ago in this big ol’ freezer trailer he uses as a travel trailer, but she was riding with this wild looking human with an eye patch dressed in black leather.  Claimed to be Snake Plissken.  Thought that was a movie character.  Had her own little helmet and this fancy back seat on his motorcycle and everything.  Said she’d see you soon and hopes you ain’t too mad about the cake.”

RF flipped through the photos.  OMG!  Tour was the most devious, brilliantly evil groundhog EVER!  No wonder she won the Mutant Lizard War!  “You know RF, you never said your cousin Tour was THE Tourmaline Groundhog,” Lula Mae admonished softly.

“She doesn’t much like folks knowing,” she replied absently, amazed at what Tour had accomplished in 36 hours.

“Everyone would have been a mite more respectful of her had they’d known.”

“I don’t think that would have let her plan work.”

“She PLANNED all this?”

“Well, she didn’t plan Buster, but she was betting one of those idiot males would do something that would give her the opening she needed.  And then the Matriarch would get involved.  And if the males didn’t start it, she might have picked a fight with Esme.  She’d asked a lot of questions about her.”

“Yeah, well, Esme won’t be a problem anymore, not with those photos.”

“She is my favorite cousin, even if she did cheat and give me the mother of all hangovers.”

“She also gave you control of the Matriarch.  Not a bad exchange.”

“I adore her.  I forgive her the sneaky cake trick – but reserve the right to use it myself.  I am sorry I missed meeting Snake.  He’s a legend, and yeah, they based a movie character on him.  Well, his father, actually.  Snake just followed in his footsteps in Spec Ops.”  She smiled.  Her head still throbbed, but now she had control of her life and the damn manipulative Matriarch.  The Matriarch could not even THINK of trying anything with her.  Not when she had a picture of her in a threesome with Zeke Hightower and one of the Baxter triplets.  This was the BEST REUNION EVER!

*************************

RF was humming while she cooked a huge spread for the whole clan.  Everyone was still a bit hung over.  That fermented yak’s milk was killer.  Moonshine consumption was at an all-time low.  So were the usual fights, everyone being too …… fragile ……… for such things.  She was leaving tomorrow and tonight the Matriarch named her successor – handpicked by RF.  Trey was there, just being pleasant and helping RF now and then.  Rupert went to the big party in Memphis at Tour’s invitation.  Last they heard, fermented yak’s milk made djinn, normally highly resistant to alcohol, drunk as skunks.  Her cell phone dinged.  Tour sent a video of Rupert dancing with a female troll.  Well, RF thought it was a female.  She had more blackmail material.  What a great week this turned into!

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